A Mother’s broken heart
by Rita Davidson
I know, I know…I’ve NOT been keeping up to date much here, and I feel bad about that. I have to be frank with you life just seems like it’s gotten to be too much for me lately.
Life is hard, I mean really hard, isn’t it just a vale of tears? I keep reminding myself of this over and over again, but it doesn’t seem to making my life any easier. I don’t know what it is, but TOO much is sadness. A mother’s broken heart.
Watching our daughter have to start her life over again after the death of her fiancee this summer, is the most heart wrenching thing a mother can watch. Knowing the time and years they built together just torn away. It’s like standing on a secure chair and suddenly it’s pulled right out from under you. For a mother, it’s more heart wrenching to watch your children suffer, as you can only help from a distance and their pain is your pain; my heart died a little for her, though it’s hard to explain why or how. A mother’s broken heart.
With my mothers ongoing dementia and her not being able to talk our family is very “occupied”. I haven’t shared this but this past year as I went through the last of her personal possessions, I try not think about who she used to be, only who she is now, to avoid more crying than needed. I do enough of that anyhow. As she becomes less and less of herself, a little of my heart dies too. A mother’s broken heart.
On top of all this is our house woes. Trying to find a bigger house, has been like a needle in a haystack. With all the work needed on this house, we thought it might be just as easy, (aka cheaper) to move. We put in the hardwood in our living room in case this house sells, that meant emptying the living room into the tiny rooms in our house and a few days of doing it. The boys learned well from the last floor.
Then houses: Well one house after another, bidding on them, losing them, driving, searching them, driving some more, calculating, driving, researching….seems we did all this just to get into this house after our fire and now God has stirred us up, uprooted us to move again. It has all been very unsettling and as our fire journey is still so fresh in our minds, it is even more tiring to realize we have a house, but we really never got ‘home’ here.
As much as I thought I knew all there was about carrying crosses, the few we’ve had this year has taught me I know NOTHING about how to be brave or strong. These have just got to my core and left me listless and emotional drained to think or do much. That includes that beloved book you are all waiting on.
This Sunday we found an infestation of mold mites in our kitchen. Isn’t it strange when your plate is already full, it only takes one little thing to really set you off. Well that just about did it. After emptying our entire kitchen, throwing out most everything that was opened, re-washing the rest, (we have no dishwasher) and now we can’t use our kitchen for a month now, so the house is a cluttered mess on our verandah. A friend reminded me of the Book of Job, and I really need to re-read that again, he has become a kindred spirit.
Which brings me back to that book, that book. THE BOOK. I have no excuses. I mean you have all waited so long for it and it’s still not in your hands. That’s it. I have failed you, haven’t i? I get SO EXCiTED about this book and plan such great surprises (yes I still have some up my sleeve) and then – BAM – life hits and- I am headlong trying to put out the fires and find the strength. If only I had some poetic insight to share how a mother’s broken heart is closest to the Sorrowful Mother for we carry the heaviest crosses in our little lives, yet she carried the most sorrowful. But I have no insight beyond my own little crosses, how dry my prayers feel, how broken my heart feels and how I so much want to do God’s will and feel I’m failing Him.
I finally had some time yesterday and sent THE BOOK to the printer.
SENT – IT – TO – THE – PRINTER.
So it’s really SENT. We had printed up one first draft, (after that last video) but found we had to fix a few things and so that extra step cost me – TIME. Then when I sent the files a week passed and he didn’t get them. So we had to find a new way to send them. So will find out more about that today. I really am committed to getting this OUT THE DOOR. Can you please pray to St Michael for me to keep the plagues of egypt off so I can get this done?
I have to update the website and shipping date as well. I hope to find some time today to do that. There is just not enough of me to go around.
This is only what is going on now, not to mention homeschooling, our disabled boys needs, appointments, and more. Please pray I can find some emotional energy to do what I am obligated to do to get this book to you. It hurts ME so much to know you are all getting frustrated with this and I do not want anyone to miss out on this new 3rd Edition.
I’ve not been writing much here and that has been very difficult for me. You can always find me on my Facebook page though. As you all know I NEED to write, just write, I’m a WRITER..and with all the work on my book, my embarrassment (yes embarrassment) at how late this is, and the immense personal fires I’ve been managing; I haven’t been just able to write as I like. So I promise I will be back to writing again. Would you like that? I think it would be cathartic for me if you don’t mind my groaning? Yes, I think I will do just that.
Excuse me if I leave now…it seems I left my JOY somewhere around here, must be under those plagues of egypt, – I better go find it.
Rita is a Catholic wife, and mother of seven, with three autistic boys. Author, of “Immodesty, Satan’s Virtue” (2001) and speaker, she has a PASSION for making #realcatholicmodesty understood. She is a licensed Hairdresser, and Make Up Pro with a degree in Natural Health who enjoys essential oils. She enjoys making people smile and sharing God’s love with anyone who will listen. After overcoming a stroke, disabilities, they lost everything in a devastating house fire that made them homeless for six months. She is determined to lead souls back to Christ by finding the #realcatholicbeauty in their lives by carrying their crosses with Joy!
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