When you just need to cry…

by Rita Davidson

It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post. I mean a really impactful, inspiring, one for you. Well, it's been on my mind, but the connection from my mind all the way to my keyboard is well...complicated.

There is sometimes so much I want to say I just want to gush it all outloud...and think how outright silly that would be wouldn't it? Well you might love it, and.... and maybe NOT so much eh? Such is the life of a writer...

But there have been so many changes going on I can barely keep up and some days, lately, I just need to cry...

Many of you know me for my courageous, strong faith. But God is always throwing me another curve ball to test that faith...sometimes I'm not so sure I like Him very much...sometimes I just need to cry.

The other day my mother tried to go out the door...as you know she has dementia. Problem is it wasn't a door but my mirror that I take my daily selfies at. I tell you I could have just cried at how vigorous she was trying to walk out that mirror... if it wasn't so funny. But funny in a bittersweet way.

Looking at her childlike face in the mirror I realized in all the years she's been with us she has become more like a child. That look of surprise and joy out of no where. She can no longer talk so we have to care for her every need. But that childlike smile... all I could think was how Dementia must be a kind of kindness from God. "We must become as little children..." If my mother would have known she would be cared for as she is today I dare not think what she may have done. And whenever I think of her in the year before she declined all I can do is cry...

With the upcoming renovations on our house I've been decluttering and cleaning the house, including my dresser... surprise I pull out a one of my late dads hanky. I had saved it in my drawer to remind me of him and to pray for him, but some days you just don't have that strength, and so instead you just cry...

Then today we had a blow-test done on our house, to assess the leaks before we begin the renovations.

Three hours later, after much conversation...I don't think we are much farther ahead. sigh ... I'm so utterly exhausted by this house. All it has taken from us since we got here after our house-fire... I just need to cry...

Some friends told me I should rest... but then you have special needs boys that meltdown because these upcoming renovations are stressful... because of this house, my boys are now deteriorating and it takes all my strength to talk them down. All I can do is cry...

You see my friends, I'm not so different from you...I cry too, after all some days all that's left to do; after everything goes wrong and your tired beyond belief from life and rocking back and forth like a baby....

The agony of my boys meltdowns...

The struggle to raise enough money for our house repairs...

My ongoing costly Lyme recovery and Bells Palsy...

It's then I reach for the most beautiful thing I can find....

Anything beautiful....a scent....a flower (or many!), nature walks, birds chirping...maybe a pretty dress.... but it is in all of these I find peace... I find rest. Self -care is so vitally important if we are to keep up that struggle.. don't EVER let anyone EVER tell you it's selfish. You have crosses just like me (and likely more) and self care (or taking care of YOU) is the best thing you can do to refresh your spirit. Blast! those people that try make this out to be selfish... So there you have it. I've had myself a good cry writing this... (it sure felt good back in the saddle) and I'm going to go out and take a walk before the sun sets and smell the flowers before our messy renovations start tomorrow. So if your feeling sad ladies, come cry with me... I'll bring the tissues...and the flowers. 🙂

Be beautiful ladies.... it all starts with us 🙂

With much love,

Rita xxo 🙂

©Copyright 2018 Rita Davidson & Little Flowers Family Press  All Rights Reserved.

 

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